I Want What They (Almost) Had: Captain Von Trapp and Baroness Schraeder

Love is a many-splendored thing, especially when you’re gawking at it from the outside. In this new column, we’ll be examining the celebrity couples who give us hope for our own romantic futures as we try to learn what we can from their well-documented bonds.

Most of the time, this column exists to praise a real-world couple whose way of relating to one another or existing in the public eye is, in some way, inspiring. Today, though, we’re throwing it back to 1965 with an appreciation of the great love story at the center of the beloved musical drama The Sound of Music; no, not between handsome, strict Captain von Trapp and cheery governess Maria, who actually end up together (spoiler—but really, if you haven’t watched the movie yet, were you going to?), but the former and Maria’s rival: the curvy, perfectly coiffed and supremely nasty Baroness Elsa Schraeder.

I’ve always loved Maria—what kind of monster wouldn’t?—but when I rewatched the film recently with my family, as summer tradition dictates, I was struck by how witty and, well, cool the baroness was, and how sensible of a match she was for the...let’s just say it, kind-of-mean-but-extraordinarily-hot captain. The baroness is constantly tossing off amazing bon mots like “Nothing’s more irresistible to a man than a woman who’s in love with him” (speaking from personal experience, I beg to differ; but the line is still great), and you get the sense she’d be a wizard with a cocktail shaker. (Is she sort of a coward when it comes to the whole World War II thing? Sure, but who’s perfect?)

Ultimately, it’s the breakup scene between the captain and the baroness that really sells me on her. When the baroness sees the writing on the wall, she beats the captain to the punch, saying, “Fond as I am of you, I really don’t think you’re the right man for me. You’re much too independent. And I need someone who needs me desperately...or at least needs my money desperately.” To crack wise while getting your heart broken is, to me, the definition of style; I think Nora Ephron would approve, and really, what higher compliment can I give her than that? The Baroness Schraeder caps off the breakup by telling the captain, “Somewhere out there is a lady who I think will never be a nun. Auf wiedersehen, darling,” and getting the hell out of there, possibly thinking about the seven children-shaped bullets she’s dodging.

Maybe I’m biased toward the baroness because I’m really more like her than Maria; I was a washout as a nanny, I don’t sing unless I’m drunk at karaoke, and honestly, I would want my distinguished, rich boyfriend to ship his seven annoying children off to “a delightful little thing called boarding school.” Plus, on a fashion note, I favor Schraeder’s figure-hugging va-va-voom dresses and beaded jackets over Maria’s boring frocks (or, heaven forbid, her nun’s habit). I know, I know, Maria is the heroine, but come on...who would you rather get a drink with? Captain von Trapp may have made his choice, but all I’m saying is, I kind of wish he’d chosen differently—and I’m not the only one.

Originally Appeared on Vogue