The Rosetta stone - the digested read

The head of Egypt's supreme council of antiquities is in London to request the return of the Rosetta stone from the British Museum. The 2,200- year-old tablet bears three parallel texts of the same passage and was the key to deciphering ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs. But what does it actually say?

Captain's Log Star Date Year 9, Xandikos day 4, the King, the lord of the Uraei, whom Ptah has chosen to help decode hieroglyphics with this edict though it would have been nicer if it had been something more interesting, the son of Pre Ptolemy, living for ever, obviously, the Manifest God whose excellence is fine, which is more than can be said for the punctuation, on this day, a decree is made to the mr-sn priests and scribes of the House of Life on the festival of the Rulership by King Ptolemy:

Whereas king Ptolemy, living for ever, the Manifest God whose excellence is fine, yes, yes, get on with it, is up for doing some favours for his bros seeing as like he is safe with Horus, son of Isis and Osiris, and being well benificent concerning the gods so having collected loads of grain and men and stuff to keep the peace with Twoth, the Twice Great, in the Egypt hood, and having slaughtered the rebels in Captain's Log Star Date Year 8 in accordance with Apis and Mnervis who wanted them battered for the disrespect they showed in the Beginning, hereby renounces two-thirds of the linen in his chamber and restores the grain and the taxes paid to the Residence of Alexander, because that's what beneficent gods who live for ever do, right?

With good fortune! It has seemed just as well to all the priests who also want to live as long as possible though not for ever because they are not Ptolemy whose excellence is fine and certainly will live for ever else there will be trouble with Ra who will cause great famine and knock down the odd pyramid, to get their diadem shit together in the temples of the great ruler, as a way of saying thank you and covering their butts before the fourth day of Shemu which is the birthday of the king.